The Two Dimensions of a Relationship

A Two-Dimensional Look at Relationships

I think it’s more helpful for folks to look at two dimensions of a relationship, namely a dimension of Positive to Negative and a dimension of Close to Distant. If I diagram those two dimensions, it looks something like a graph. Here’s what that sort of diagram would look like

Thus, attempts to solve conflicts in a relationship are positive for the relationship only when they are successful. Inadequate conflict resolution leads to Close-and-Negative relationships, which are the most intense and distressing of these four categories of relationships. When conflict resolution is not successful, it is best to stop trying to remain close. It is best to become more distant in order to reduce the overall negative tone of the relationship and of the life of each individual. It is better for a Close and Negative relationship to become Distant and Negative because it then stands a chance of becoming Distant and Positive. When you reduce the amount of negative behavior, the relationship will become more positive.
In the process of maintaining an adult intimate relationship like a marriage, some partners insist on maintaining the closeness of the relationship at the expense of a positive tone. That is one of the important ways that verbal (and emotional) abuse occurs. The abuser uses words and manipulation to try to get his way and to try to control the other, directing the negative behavior at the other partner, who becomes a target of that abuse. The abuser fights more, criticizes more, says ‘no’ more yet he expects that the closeness to the other will continue. Since the relationship becomes increasingly unpleasant for the target, it is not surprising that the target thinks about separating and ending the relationship.
The target’s desire to end the relationship may be a surprise for the verbal abuser because he or she may have seen parents stay together for years while engaging in these kinds of behaviors. The abuser may believe that relationships are built on negative behaviors. The abuser may feel justified and righteous about his behavior because he has seen others behave in this way and he may feel that it is the only way to behave when you have a complaint or a problem. The abuser seeks closeness at whatever cost to positive feelings. He seeks time, attention, and intimate contact while believing that he can punish the other into loving him more. Most batterers fall into this category. Batterers verbally abuse their partner in the early stages of and throughout a relationship. Many partners never go further than verbal abuse in punishing their partner. The stance of this type of verbal abuser is, “You need to love me no matter how I treat you. You need to stay with me no matter what your feelings are. This would be a good relationship for me if you would only give me what I want.”
The verbal abuser has no regard for the feelings or needs of the target in the relationship because the abuser looks at the other as a tool or an object. For the abuser, the relationship is only about his needs and wishes and he is willing to give up the positive dimension in the relationship in order to get more of what he or she wants for himself that maintains the closeness. So how do you deal with an abuser who wants to maintain closeness? The short answer is to deny the abuser the closeness he wants unless you get the positive tone that you want. You’ll find the longer and more detailed explanation of what to do in the section titled “How to Take An Adult Time-Out”.