Part II: When Not to Take an Adult Timeout

05/11/2013 Elizabeth Nyblade, Ph.D.

Continued from Part IIt is possible to abuse someone by withdrawing from them just as it is possible to abuse someone by approaching them and calling them names. It is completely inappropriate to withdraw from another person as a punishment when your only problem is that you didn’t get your way.

Don’t Take An Adult Timeout in These Circumstances

1 - If you and your partner are having a pleasant exchange of opinions on a topic, but the other person does not agree with you or does not agree to do what you want, it’s okay to postpone the conversation, pleasantly and by mutual consent. It is not okay to withdraw from the conversation and the relationship in order to punish the other for having a different opinion.

TARGET - You know we’re kind of at a stalemate. And I’ve run out of time because I’ve got to (go to work, go to my club meeting, go to bed). Let’s agree to talk about this again. Maybe one of us can come up with an idea we both agree on.”OR

TARGET - That’s about as much as I can stand talking about it tonight. I don’t want to stay mad at you. How about we agree to talk about this again maybe on Tuesday night, and in the meantime (I plan to whip your ass at poker, or I plan to pick up half a gallon of Rocky Road for us or I plan to turn on a movie and forget the whole thing.)

In other words, when the process of the discussion is going okay, meaning the discussion is mostly positive with constructive suggestions, etc., then do not resort to a time-out. Instead propose a postponement, a truce, and another time to talk. Or find some other positive way to acknowledge that the situation isn’t resolved yet but you’re feeling okay about the discussion and you’re looking forward to figuring it out together in the future.

These Quotes Show Appropriate Expressions of Anger:

TARGET: We aren’t getting anywhere! Why can’t we resolve this? I hate it when these arguments just drag on forever and we don’t come to any conclusion! And I can’t think of a way out!

TARGET: I hate it when my parents come between us like this! Why can’t they stay out of our lives? You’d think that a thousand miles were far enough away for us to move, but no! They have to come here to interfere with us and get more attention! And I don’t know what to do about it!”

These Quotes Show Inappropriate Expressions of Anger:

ABUSER: You stupid idiot! You know I’m right! Act like a wife, not like a baby!

ABUSER: Well, what do you expect? They’re my parents, but it’s your job to get along with them! It’s not like they treat me so well either, but I suck it up! Stop acting like a princess, for once, and call them up and make nice! It’s not like they try to come over so often! They live a thousand miles away, for God’s sake! You don’t get to avoid my parents just because they’re old and lonely and crabby. You’re pretty crabby yourself!

The preceding examples show lots of anger, lots of blame directed at the partner along with name-calling, mind-reading, commands, and demands.

3 - It is inappropriate to withdraw from a conversation with an adult time-out because you hate conflict and want to avoid conversations that expose ways you are different from your partner. You may not like conflict, but if you’re an adult and you want to relate to other adults, it’s your job to learn ways of dealing with conflict constructively. You don’t have to like conflict, but if you avoid it all the time, you won’t be getting your way much and that won’t be anyone’s fault but your own. If your stomach knots up at the thought of disagreeing with your significant other, or you get a headache when you think he might not like something you want, it’s time to deal with your feelings about conflict. Read my notes on “The Power of Approval in Your Life” and begin learning to handle your thoughts and emotions about disagreement and lack of approval.

This quote shows an inappropriate avoidance of discussion:

ABUSER: Wait! Stop! I don’t need to hear this! I know you’re just going to get mad like you did the last time, and I can’t stand it when you get mad! You’ve got an anger problem! I’m leaving and you should get into therapy!

Whether or not he got mad the last time, if he can talk without abusing you, you need to discuss the matter. You want him to talk to you about the conflict in an appropriate way, not avoid all discussions of it because he sometimes gets angry.

4 - It is inappropriate to withdraw from a conversation with a time-out because your partner doesn't agree to give you what you want.

ABUSER: Stop! I know you want to change the schedule but I don’t! Things are going just fine now and there’s no reason to talk about it. I’m leaving if you bring that up again.

Well, things are going fine for the speaker, but they’re not for the partner. Avoiding a discussion when you’re getting your way and your partner isn’t won’t make the process of resolving differences any easier. The partner can also unilaterally change the schedule and begin following a schedule he likes instead without your permission or agreement. If you can just refuse to discuss something, so can he.

The bottom line is that “walking out” is a very effective punishment for the other person, but your goal shouldn’t be to learn how to be a better abuser of your partner. Withdrawing, or taking a timeout can be a punishment, and if you use punishments much in the relationship, then you just have an abusive relationship. You may think you’re a non-abuser, but if the other adult isn’t permitted to bring up disagreements, express anger, or get his own way, you’ll have a very nasty, unstable relationship. Why should anyone want to stay with you if you behave that way?
Taking a timeout when you’re an adult is a serious negative reinforcer. It should be used in situations where other tactics have not worked to lower the verbal and emotional abuse your partner uses to try to control you.Now continue on to read Part III How to Take an Adult Timeout

Now continue on to read Part III How to Take an Adult Timeout