Batterer or Verbal Abuser?

Is Your Partner a Batterer or Verbal Abuser?

4/23/2013

All batterers begin by emotionally and verbally abusing their partner, and the emotional and verbal abuse continues on throughout the time that the batterer is using physical means to enforce his demands. However, not all verbal and emotional abusers become batterers. It’s important to know whether you are in a relationship with a batterer or a relationship with an emotional and verbal abuser. It can be dangerous to try to train a batterer to stop battering without the help of outside forces (like the police). However, it is probably safe to try to change someone who only verbally and emotionally abuses you. Please notice that I am not saying that someone who only verbally and emotionally abuses you is a better partner or an easier person to deal with or that verbal and emotional abusers are worth having relationships with. You are entitled to leave a partner who treats you badly even if you’re the only one who sees the negative behavior or the only one who thinks the negative behavior is a good reason to leave the relationship. Women who have left battering relationships often report that they feel worse about the emotional and verbal abuse they survived than the physical abuse. They often say that they feel more scarred and traumatized by the way their partner relentlessly ground them down with verbal and emotional abuse than by the way he battered them physically. However, it is important for you to consider whether you are in a physically battering relationship or a relationship in which your partner limits himself to verbal and emotional abuse. Batterers sometimes kill their victims, and you are in danger if you stay with a batterer without increasing your knowledge about battering and batterers. You will need to make a safety plan that you can implement over time and get outside help to ensure your safety and the safety of others, like children, that may depend on you.

Look At Your History with Your Partner:
If your partner has slapped you, hit you, pushed you down, thrown things at you, blocked your way when you tried to leave a room, threatened your life or the lives of your pets or children, you are dealing with a batterer, not just a verbal abuser. Your life is in danger and you should not be thinking about how to train your partner to stop calling you names! Go to one of the good Internet sites for victims of battering and begin planning for your safety. Your partner needs legal punishment and legal oversight and you cannot handle him (or her) alone. Following the advice on this site about verbal and emotional abuse will give your abuser another excuse to batter you and it would not be wise for you to provide that temptation. You are probably the only person who knows about the negative physical contact between you and your partner and if you are not realistic about what he has done in the past, you cannot predict realistically what he will do in the future. If your partner has never struck you or blocked you or broken your property or threatened you physically, do you believe that he can or he will do so in the future? Ask yourself these questions: Does he come close to you and loom in an intimidating fashion? Does he strike the wall with his fist or clean his gun or hold you by the arm during an argument?

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This person and others who make similar gestures are potential batterers. It would be wise to flush them out so that you can determine just how serious the threat is. Consider telling someone who looms, “If you want me to talk to you, back off right now.” If the other backs off, you are in less danger than you think. If he doesn’t, consider yourself a victim of battering. The other wants you to be fearful and intimidated. He doesn’t plan to give that up just because you don’t like it. The intimidation is a deliberate posture, intended to threaten you. You are in danger from that person. Begin making your safety plan. Some people, perhaps mostly women, take a position that gives them the worst of both worlds. That is, although their partner has never battered them, they feel that they must be submissive because he might batter them in the future if they aren’t submissive. They complain about the verbal abuse and wish their husbands would treat them better, but they make no efforts to train their partners how to treat them on the excuse that he might batter them. This is much like complaining every day that you aren’t getting your mail when you haven’t put in a change of address card at the post office! Who is accountable for your behavior? You are! Your partner is absolutely accountable for his or her behavior, and you aren’t to blame for what he does, but if you pay him for it, it will continue! You are responsible for the fact that you give your partner his way every time he gets nasty, even if you aren’t responsible for how he gets nasty. You’re not to blame for the fact he struck you, but you are responsible for the fact that you gave him what he wanted after that so he feels motivated to keep striking you! I am not blaming the victim! The batterer is 100% accountable for the battering, but the partner is responsible for what she does about it. If you decide to walk alone at night in a crime-ridden part of town, you’re not responsible for the actions of a rapist or mugger that accosts you. But you are accountable for your stupidity in taking the walk at that time and place. Stupidity should not be punished by rape and rapists deserve everything they get from the court and more, but I’d be remiss as a therapist if I didn’t recommend that you not walk alone in crime-ridden sections of a town in the middle of the night. And I don’t recommend that you become submissive when someone is verbally abusive to you. You should only ‘pay’ people by giving them what they want when they give you what you want! If your partner has never tried to physically force you into something and you still feel in danger from him, give some thought to why you feel that way. Were you an observer in a home where one partner battered another? Were you a victim of battering in an earlier relationship? If you are thinking of all partners or all men as dangerous batterers who just haven’t gotten around to hitting you yet, you probably haven’t dealt with the trauma of your past yet. It would be a good idea for you to get into individual therapy to learn to recognize the signs of battering and abuse. You should learn that honest disagreement or typical anger is not the rage that will inevitably turn into battering. It is not fair to yourself or your current partner to hang on to your trauma and treat him as though he caused it. You can’t be either close or positive in a relationship when you are anxious and afraid all the time, and if your current partner isn’t the cause of those feelings, you’re missing a chance for a happier life. You need to learn to quiet your reaction of fight-flight-freeze toward people who remind you of your past trauma but aren’t causing you trauma now.

Predict the Future in a Realistic Way:
After getting out of a battering relationship, many women feel very anxious about getting into a new relationship. I’ve heard many women ask, “How could I have known? When we first started dating, he treated me like a queen! He never had a harsh word for me and he was so romantic and giving, he just bowled me over! He didn’t start getting nasty until three years after the wedding and he didn’t start hitting me until five years later. How am I supposed to predict whether a man will beat me? Or could just anyone become a batterer?” I don’t know whether just anyone, man or woman, could become a batterer. I do know that you can probably predict whether a particular person you’re getting to know intimately will become a batterer. You can do so because the basic, underlying theme with a person who is or will be a batterer is that they want to control you. So, prior to making any lasting commitments to someone, you need to find out what the person does when he discovers that you are not willing to be in his control. Consider the situation early in a relationship: both parties are on their best behavior. Both parties express positive thoughts and feelings toward the other and both give in or give way readily when there is a disagreement. This is really the honeymoon stage of a relationship when each partner is trying to look like an ideal mate. However, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship and not just a good time for now, don’t be fooled by the honeymoon. It’s your job to watch for the red flags that tell you this relationship may be more trouble than it’s worth.

Red Flag #1. His History:

This is the age of the Internet. You may be able to find out if your boyfriend has previously been arrested for domestic violence. Some men will drop hints. He may say that his previous wife was “crazy” and had him arrested when he didn’t lay a finger on her. Sometimes you’ll know the previous wife or girlfriend and you can ask her for more information. Be aware when talking to a previous girlfriend or wife that you may be dealing with someone who isn’t very objective about the guy, but no matter what he says, you should always find out more about a guy who has had previous arrests for domestic violence. He may tell you that his wife dropped the charges and recanted her lies, but the police report may say that she was in the hospital with a broken collarbone after the domestic violence incident and that he violated the restraining order three times before she moved out of town. Don’t expect a man to be candid with you if he was violent in a previous relationship, but a man who isn’t violent shouldn’t get bent out of shape if you make discreet inquiries about how his previous relationships ended. If you’ve had bad experiences before, or worry about them, it’s certainly your right to do your homework. If you’d check the references on someone that you were hiring for a job, you should certainly feel free to check public information on someone that you may become intimately involved with, or someone that you may permit to be around your children.
Red Flag #2. His Sense of Urgency:Someone who is likely to turn negative in a relationship may have a real sense of urgency about getting into a relationship faster and deeper than you’d like. Although he is only one month post-separation from a wife of 20 years, he wants sex on the first date and after dating you for a month he may want to move in with you, or have you move in with him right away. He may disguise the urgency by telling you how wonderful you are. He may tell you he has finally found true love and he’s ready to settle down and get on with living happily ever after. Meanwhile you probably have a little voice in your head saying, “But he doesn’t even know me. And I don’t know him. How can he be so sure?” If he’s an abuser, he can be so sure because he doesn’t care what you’re like. He figures he can change anything about you that displeases him. After all, if he’s a batterer he expects to be in control of you, not just in a relationship with you. He doesn’t like being between relationships and doesn’t think of women as being different from one another, so he figures that any woman willing to date him probably has the same potential for a good relationship with him as any other would. If a man is constantly pushing at your boundaries by demanding that you let him get closer to you than you feel comfortable with, push right back. “No, thanks. I’m not ready to move in with anyone right now.” If he demands that you talk about the subject longer than that, push back again. “I know what you want and you know what I want. I don’t like it when you try to change my mind about that. It feels like you’re trying to push me around to get your way. I don’t want to have an unpleasant conversation with you about rushing the relationship.” Watch out here for manipulative ploys like personal commercials. If he says, “You don’t trust me!” or “You have a problem with commitment!” be prepared to push back by agreeing with him. “Of course I don’t trust you. I’ve only known you for three months!” or “I agree. I have a problem with commitment to men I’ve only known for three months.” Don’t defend yourself by disagreeing with him when you’re perfectly entitled to be distrusting and perfectly entitled to be unwilling to commit yourself now. And is he likely to leave the relationship because you won’t move fast enough for him? Maybe he will. But if so, you found out what you wanted to know. He’s not the man for you. He only wanted you when he thought he could push you around. Mourn the loss of what looked like an ideal prospect and try again. If you’re looking for a boyfriend for the long term, not just a good time now, you should know that a man who crowds you in the beginning will keep right on pushing for whatever he wants after you’re in the relationship deeper than you wanted to be in the first place.
Red Flag #3. His negative behavior when you say no:Since a batterer wants to be in control of you, you’re not going to see his true colors unless you act outside of his control. Therefore, you have to curb your natural desire to please him, at least some of the time, and be honest about what you want and don’t want. Don’t tell yourself that you want this relationship at any cost, because it will cost you your ability to control yourself and also to control 50% of the relationship. He wants to go out to the movies tonight and you’re tired and want to stay home. Curb the urge to give in just to please him. Offer him one alternative, then stick to your ‘no’. “No, thanks. Feel free to go without me tonight, or bring a movie to my house.” If he doesn’t take no for an answer from you, what’s going on? Everybody wants his or her own way. That goes for you as well as the new date you’re evaluating for the long-term. You can get your way (stay home) without his permission. He can get his way (go to a movie) without your permission. What’s at stake here is not whether he can have his way or whether you can have your way, because you can each have your way without the permission or approval of the other person. What’s at stake is whether you can have your way and do what you want and also have the company and approval of the other person. If you have offered to do without the other person’s company (“Feel free to go without me tonight”) and he is rejecting that option then the argument is about whether you are going to be in his control by accompanying him to the movies when you don’t feel like it. It’s not unreasonable for your new date to want your company. It’s flattering that he wants your company! He’s not at fault for wanting you around, and if you punish him for inviting you places, the invitations probably won’t continue. You don’t have a right to expect him always to want what you want, or always to give in to you. But you do have a right to expect reasonable behavior from him when you tell him ‘no’. What should someone do when you turn him down? Agreeing with you is not the only reasonable behavior! In the above scenario, a man who says, “Okay, okay. I’ll just go without you!” and slams the door on the way out is acting childish–and feel free to tell him so the next time you see him–but you did offer for him to go without you as one of the alternatives. And he didn’t need your permission to go in the first place. A man who says, “Okay, I’ll bring a movie over, but I get to pick the movie!” is actually offering a negotiated settlement. If you say, “So what do you propose?” and he proposes a movie you know you’ll hate, make him another offer, like “Okay, but I plan to fall asleep as soon as it starts getting gory!” or “How about ______ instead? You know we’d both like that one.” In both cases, the case where he agrees to go alone and the case where he agrees to bring a movie over, the man has acted reasonably. And if your partner proposes anything aloud as an alternative for the two of you or for himself alone, even if it is something that you might not like, it is probably a reasonable response. Of course if he proposes to go get drunk, or pick up his ex-girlfriend for the night, that’s just a punishment response as opposed to a reasonable one.

Red Flag #4 His negative behavior when you disagree:

You may not have to say ‘no’ to your partner to bring on negative behavior. Maybe he or she gets negative when you disagree. Nevertheless, you should be honest and open about the ways that you disagree with him even at the beginning of a relationship. If you simply hold your peace when an area of potential disagreement comes up, you won’t have the opportunity to judge whether he becomes controlling if you differ in your opinions. No two people hold the same opinions on issues all the time, but why should they? If one of you is a Republican and the other a Democrat, it stands to reason that you will have areas in which you disagree about candidates, philosophy, values, and issues. If you come from different backgrounds or different religions, of course there will be areas of disagreement. The issue is not whether there is a disagreement but how the other person handles the issue and how the other person treats you when the two of you disagree. If you say you’re a fan of rock and your partner is a devotee of classical music, there should be no issue. After all, when you’re apart you probably each have plenty of time to listen to music of your choice. It’s also perfectly possible for each of you to listen to your choice of music with earphones on in the same house without forcing the other to listen to something he hates. In other words, there are plenty of ways to agree to disagree without either person having to give up what he wants. Watch out for people that take it as a personal challenge in a relationship if you don’t hold similar or identical views about the world. If you’re a rock fan and your new boyfriend is a fan of classical music, you shouldn’t have to listen to disparaging remarks about yourself or your taste, or hear unkind comments about the musicians you like or the recordings you want to listen to. You shouldn’t be made to feel that if there is a difference of opinion, you are in the wrong or are uninformed, immature, biased or foolish. Your boyfriend shouldn’t wish to change your opinion whenever he discovers you’re different from him. That’s an enormous red flag about his wish to control you. You shouldn’t have to agree with him for him to respect your thoughts and choices. And you shouldn’t have to defend your taste or your opinions against his attacks if it turns out that you have opinions that don’t follow his wishes. If you find yourself keeping quiet about your own opinions because of fear of abuse or harassment, you know that you can expect more abuse like this in the future.Red Flag #5. His negative behavior when you operate independently:Batterers don’t want you to be independent–it cuts down on their control of you. If you’re involved with someone who intends to keep you for himself, listen for his comments when you mention you’re going to do something that doesn’t include him. If your partner shows that he’s disappointed when you’re planning to do something at a time he wanted your company, that’s natural and reasonable. But if you get anger, threats, withdrawal, or frequent negative references to your independent times, you should be very wary. It’s natural at the beginning of a relationship to want to spend a great deal of time with the new partner, but beware if your new love tries to exclude others from your life. Sometimes emotional abusers directly forbid or deny you their permission or approval to see someone, for example a family member or an old friend. Sometimes they are indirect, making critical and negative comments about someone that you already have a relationship with. In the long run, a batterer will try to isolate you from anyone who might intervene on your side, like family or friends who would criticize his behavior or offer you emotional support or resources to leave him. Your new love isn’t going to like all of your friends and family, and it’s unreasonable to expect that he will. It’s not reasonable, however, for him to get agitated if you keep up a relationship with your old friends when you’re not demanding his presence. In other words, if your new boyfriend doesn’t want to join your bowling league, that’s not unreasonable. It is unreasonable for the boyfriend to spend a lot of time badmouthing the bowling league, your friends in the league, and your wish to continue with activities you’ve enjoyed even though he doesn’t share your interests

Fight? Flight? Or Freeze?

If you’re involved with a partner who is emotionally and verbally abusive of you, those are your options: Fight, flight or freeze. However, if you are involved with a batterer, don’t think that you’re going to change that person without outside intervention. It’s not that batterers don’t change. I’ve seen a woman stop a man from hitting her by telling him that she will call the police or leave him permanently if he ever lays a hand on her again. However, for that to work, it has to be the first time he hit you and he has to believe that you will do it. If you’ve said it before, and not followed through before, you aren’t going to cause him to change by saying that. All of the negative behaviors that I’ve listed that predict that someone may become a batterer in the future are the current and future behaviors of someone who is “just” an emotional and verbal abuser. In other words, acts of verbal and emotional abuse are the everyday behaviors of batterers. They are behaviors on the same continuum as battering. Battering is verbal abuse that gets physical. Battering is emotional abuse that gets physical. Of course verbal abuse is “better behavior” than physical abuse. For one thing, it isn’t illegal to verbally abuse someone. But research shows that treatment programs for batterers may cause the batterer to stop physical abuse but won’t necessarily stop the batterer from continuing the pattern of emotional and verbal abuse that preceded the physical acts. However, there is a difference between a verbal abuser and a batterer: some verbal abusers will give up their negative behavior without leaving the relationship. But the woman has to change first, and she has to stay changed. A woman can’t just make one good comment, or learn one good self-defense strategy to change someone who has operated as an abuser throughout his life. If you want to train someone else to change, you have to train yourself in new ways to behave and new ways to respond before you can be successful in changing someone else.