How Does the Target (Victim or Survivor) Contribute to Verbal Abuse?
Wife: The problem is that we’ve been married for ten years, but he keeps having these tantrums where he yells and calls me names and tells me how awful I am. I told him I was going to divorce him, and he didn’t want that, so he agreed to go to therapy with me, to see Frank, to see if he could change and our relationship could get better. We’ve been working on it for a year.
Husband: She’s right. I have a terrible temper. I know that now, but I can’t seem to stop myself. When I get riled up, it’s like I lose control and just say all these awful things. I’ve been working on it for a year and I’m a lot better than I used to be.
Wife: Well, it doesn’t show at home. When we’re at home, you keep having these tantrums. It’s like you lose your temper whenever I disagree with you, or whenever I want something you don’t like.
Frank: I think that’s a pretty good summary, so let’s get to work. What are we going to work on today?
Husband: We agreed that we’d talk about our sex life. I mean our lack of sex life.
Wife: That’s right. Let’s talk about it. You know I used to be pretty eager to have sex, but lately I’m just so mad at you that I don’t even want to touch you. Especially after you’ve called me names or yelled at me.
Husband: Okay, but who am I supposed to have sex with, then? I’ve been faithful to you until now, but if you won’t sleep with me, why shouldn’t I go out on you? I mean, a deal’s a deal. You’re the only one I’m supposed to have sex with, and every time you say no, or turn away, I feel like going to bar and finding someone who wants to have sex with me.
Wife: Well, you’re not a teenager anymore. I figure you can hold your horses until I’m not mad at you.
Husband: Actually, it seems like you get mad at me just to avoid sex. Maybe you’re just turning into a frigid bitch! I haven’t complained about all the weight you’ve gained and I haven’t complained about all the things you won’t do in bed! It’s not like you’re the best sex partner I’ve ever had! All I’m asking for is the basics, but I want to get sex pretty regularly. That’s part of the price of being married, and I think I’m entitled to have sex with you a whole lot more often than I’m getting it now. . .
Wife: (turning to Frank) You hear that? That’s pretty typical, the way he acts. And he gets louder and more vicious at home.
Frank: (Turning to the husband) Okay, we’ve talked about this. Look at the way she’s reacting to you. She’s looking away. She’s not making eye contact anymore and she’s getting mad at you. And what you’re saying! Frigid Bitch? Telling her she’s fatter and that she’s refusing to give you what you want when she does have sex with him? Telling her she’s not a great sex partner anyway? You’re showing Beth just what your temper tantrums look like right now.
Wife: Well, it’s true that I don’t want sex with him that often anymore. I figure if he wants sex, he can just be nicer to me to get it.
Husband: Well, that’s what whore’s do. They charge money for sex and you want to charge me by getting romance out of me. I’m not a teenager for sure and I don’t see why I should have to pay for sex.
Frank: I don’t think you’re understanding what she wants. I don’t think she’s asking for romance before sex. She’d like you to not make her mad.
Husband: Well, but there’s never any end. I can be nice to her for an evening and she still says ‘no.’ I think she’s got something wrong with her, since she had our second kid. Maybe there’s some damage or something. . .
Frank: Let’s look at that. (turning to the wife) Do you think something is wrong with you that’s keeping you from wanting sex?
Let’s stop right there and think about what has gone on in the dialogue above. The wife just said things that her husband didn’t like. It doesn’t matter whether she was ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to feel those things or say those things, but then her husband got verbally abusive. The wife turned to the counselor for support, and Frank gave her support. He talked to the husband about what the husband was doing. Frank identified it as verbal abuse and tried to get the husband to see the situation from her point of view. Both the wife and Frank think that the husband’s at fault for his verbal abuse, which he is. Frank reacts, and speaks, with pretty typical therapist behavior.
But let’s look at the dialogue above in a different way. Let’s consider what the husband is doing—his verbal abuse—as goal-directed behavior. Let’s suppose he’s using the verbal abuse to get what he wants from his wife—in this case getting sex more often. How is the therapist helping the wife? In truth, the therapist is trying to talk to the husband rationally, and he’s trying to get the husband to recognize his wife’s feelings and how they affect whether or not she wants to have sex with him. Is the therapist likely to be successful by helping her this way? Well, it hasn’t worked in the last year. The husband says he’s gotten better, but the wife disagrees. And in the therapy session, the therapist takes over for the wife. He defends her and permits the husband to change the subject. Now the therapist and the husband are going to have a conversation about what’s wrong with the wife.
Does this all sound familiar to you?
The husband knows what price he needs to pay to keep the marriage going. He has to spend one hour a week in marriage counseling and put up with the therapist taking his wife’s side in the quarrels the two of them have. And the therapist enables the husband’s bad behavior as well, because he doesn’t stop the husband from changing the subject to ‘what’s wrong with his wife.’
And that’s all the husband has to pay to keep the marriage going. The husband doesn’t have to change any of his own behavior except maybe during the therapy hour. After that one hour a week, the therapist won’t be there to defend the wife. She’ll have to defend herself, and the therapist hasn’t taught her a thing about how to do that.
So let’s do a little intervention in this therapy session:
Beth: Wait a minute. (Turns to the wife.) If you were having this conversation at home now, about sex, what would you do or say next?
Wife: I’d tell him how bad I feel and I’d tell him I was going to leave him.
Beth: Do you threaten to leave him often?
Husband: All the time. Two or three times a week.
Beth: (Still talking to the wife) But I mean, what would you do—or say—about sex?
Wife: I’d probably have sex with him to shut him up. And I’d hate every minute of it.
Beth: After the things he’s said about you? You’d still have sex with him?
Wife: He just makes my life so miserable if I don’t, I don’t see what other choice I have.
So let’s look at the dialogue above now.
The wife is admitting that her husband’s verbal abuse works. When he has a tantrum, she gives him what he wants. No wonder he keeps having tantrums. She’s rewarding him—paying him—for having tantrums. This wife is saying that she can’t deal with her husband’s disapproval. She hates the miserable way he makes her feel, so she pays him for making her feel miserable.
Are the husband’s tantrums—his verbal abuse—the wife’s fault? No. Her husband is responsible for his own behavior. She can’t make him shout at her. But if she gives him what he wants when he uses verbal abuse to get it, she’s paying him to behave that way. She doesn’t cause the husband’s behavior, but she pays to keep it going.
Most therapists aren’t trained to cope with verbal or emotional abuse. They’re nice people and they believe they can convince others to be nice by showing them how they’re hurting their partner. Most therapists think that people are hurting their partner accidentally, because they were brought up that way. They think when the abuser sees how the other is hurt, the abuser will put the needs of the other person first.
If only.
If you have a kid who demands a treat when you take him/her to the grocery store, and then screams when you say no, do you think the kid will stop screaming if you give him the treat? The kid will stop screaming while eating the treat, but in a similar situation, at the next grocery store visit, the kid will have the screaming fit sooner. You’ve shown the kid that screaming works to get a treat.
You’ll find better answers on this website –and in my book—so you can stop others from controlling you with verbal and emotional abuse. So keep reading.