How To Conduct a Positive Separation

First, Consider Your Goal:

Usually, one partner is leaving, and one partner is feeling left during a separation. The party left behind may not want the separation and may want to reconcile with the partner who is leaving. And the partner who is leaving may want nothing further to do with the other. The separation may be occurring in a marriage of 25 years with property and children in common or it may be a separation between college students who have lived together for a year and a half and who haven’t shared their finances or had children. There may be legal issues that need to be resolved, real estate to be sold, parenting plans to put into action.
In all of these cases, the goal of separation should be to make the relationship more positive, whether you are the partner who is leaving or the one who has been left. If you want the relationship to continue instead of dissolving, your best strategy is to make the relationship more positive. If you want to end the relationship with the least trauma, your best strategy is to make the relationship more positive. And here’s how.

I generally advise people not to believe that their partner is serious about getting a divorce unless the partner serves you with legal papers. Many people threaten divorce in order to gain more power in the relationship. If you are not served with papers, then it may be that the other is trying to make you more submissive or punish you for something you have done or not done. If you don’t want a divorce, you don’t need to file for divorce, even if your partner tells you to do it. If your partner is serious about getting a divorce, that person can see an attorney. Don’t file legal paperwork for the convenience of your partner if you don’t want the divorce in the first place.
However, if you are married and your partner moves away from you (for example, gets an apartment, packs luggage and moves in with his parents, etc.) see an attorney immediately. I cannot give you legal advice, and I won’t try. Don’t take the word of your partner for anything legal. If she (or he) says that you can’t get custody, that you won’t be entitled to child support, that you’ll starve or come back to him or her if you try to “go it alone” don’t take her or his word for it. Women are often very fearful that their partner will get custody of the children, but your partner is not likely to know the law better than you unless he or she is a lawyer. Your partner is telling you what he wants you to believe, but he may be mistaken, or he may be malicious and wrong. Get on the net and look up the laws in your state while you’re waiting for the appointment to see your own attorney.
And don’t do anything stupid. Don’t pester or harass the other partner to take you back, and if you can’t keep your temper or stop yourself from trying to make the other person listen, or make the other person agree with you or take you back, you may get charged with domestic violence and that won’t improve your life. Don’t touch the other person in anger and don’t do anything that will make it difficult for you to maintain your relationship with your kids if you have children from this relationship. For legal matters, take legal advice.

Take the Emotion Out of the Relationship

If you have been forced to accept a separation from someone you have been living with, or if you have just left your partner, it is important for you to get emotional support from someone else. In fact, it is preferable for you to get lots of emotional support from lots of people. Getting separated is very difficult and stressful, especially if you have property and children involved. People getting separated from a partner often experience physical symptoms like poor sleep, lack of energy, problems in concentrating and physical illnesses such as increases in colds. They may also have symptoms of depression and anxiety. Your goal during a separation from your partner should be to achieve a positive but distant relationship with the partner that you are separated from. (See the article on this web-page: “The Two Dimensions of a Relationship”)
In other words, stop trying to “fix the relationship.” If your partner offers to reconcile with you in the future, your best shot is going to be to set the ground-rules for a new relationship in front of a therapist. So, for now, don’t talk about the relationship and don’t talk about your feelings with your partner. Do talk about your situation and your feelings with others who support you, like family, friends, and professional therapists, lawyers, etc. Nurture yourself with cheap trinkets, long baths, lunch dates with friends and as much ice cream as you want (temporarily). Do not nurture yourself with alcohol or drugs, gambling, selling your assets or quitting your job. Those are terrible strategies for reconciling. Even if you can’t make the relationship better today, you’re doing well if you don’t make the situation, or your own life, worse. Most states have waiting periods before you can get a legal divorce that range from months to years. The emotional divorce generally takes much longer than that.

Don’t look for your separated partner to meet your own emotional needs. And don’t meet your separated partner’s emotional needs either.
Sometimes the other person in the relationship is dependent on you supporting him/her emotionally and, if so, he or she will likely figure that out when you are no longer available for support. If you can’t manage your emotions alone, you’ll find it out now also. I tell people that emotions are like body fluids. Parents start by cleaning up their children’s body fluids but adults need to clean up their own fluids. It’s no pleasure to any adult to have to clean up another adult’s messy emotions. If you’re angry, learn to make it better for yourself without counting on the other person to deal with your anger. If you’re hurt, learn to nurture yourself without counting on the other to make you feel better. And let the other do the same. You need friends, family, hobbies, coping skills, and methods to deal with your own emotions. And your partner needs the same skills. And maybe you need a therapist if you aren’t very good at dealing with your emotions without outside help.
Don’t prop the other partner up when he or she is leaving you, especially if he or she really needs you for support. And don’t expect the other to prop you up when the other is leaving you. It’s not the job of your separated partner to make it okay for you to get a divorce. Your partner can divorce you without your permission or your forgiveness.
If you feel bad, you need a plan for how to deal with your feelings that doesn’t include trying to get the other to talk to you about your feelings. Talking to your friends a lot when you’re going through a divorce is a good way to burn out your friends, of course, so be careful to pay attention to the signals your friends are giving you if you’re using friends to talk to. Many people in this situation seek out a therapist for the first time, and they’re right to do so. Look for a therapist you feel comfortable talking to about the separation and about the ways you treat the other person in a relationship.
Following my advice to limit the frequency and the content of your communication with a separated partner is extremely difficult because it is counter-intuitive. You may feel abandoned and isolated, even if you’re the one leaving. What could be more natural than turning to the person you have been living with and sharing your hurts with? But don’t do it! If the other person wants your company, let her or him approach you. Even if the other has started a new relationship with another person already, you may be surprised to find that the other still wants you to play an important role in his or her life, a role of service of course. You have no reason to help the other adjust to life without you! And you won’t do a good job if you try, either. That’s going to be the other’s job now, and you should be going on with your life. Think about creating an extremely distant but ultimately civil, polite, and superficial relationship with the other. That’s the goal you want now whether your ultimate goal is to eliminate the other from your life or whether your goal is to reconcile and create a new live-in relationship with the person that you’re now separated from!